i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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