you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize
