i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Randomize
