The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
she's telling me all about the love triangles of her sims. you tell me how it's going.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Randomize
