You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
