I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
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