Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Question: Would it be wrong to just fuck both of them and decide who to date one performance of their cocks?
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
