My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
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