I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Randomize
