my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
Randomize
