I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
