the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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