I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
Someone stole a lamp last night.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
