Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Someone signed my nipple.
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