Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
Randomize
