In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
