do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
Randomize
