My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
