So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
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