DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
27 Of The Most NSFW Life Hacks
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
23 Disturbing Small-Town Horror Stories
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...