He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
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hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
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Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.