meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
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