I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
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