Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
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