I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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