I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Randomize
