I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
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