I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
My liver just had a heart attack.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Randomize
