is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
Sorry my hands just texted you
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
Randomize