I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize