Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
