At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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