You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Randomize
