you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
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