rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
