Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
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