I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
Randomize
