you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
Does getting a boner while watching the celtic women sing opera on ETV make me cultured?
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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