Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
The uberlube is also flammable
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
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