Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
It was confusing and full of hummus
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
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