I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Randomize
