when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
Randomize
