i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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