I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
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