She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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