He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
