just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
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