We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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