I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
If you're still on campus there's a jack and coke in the bathroom of fondren science Bldg. Too strong to bring to class.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
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