i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
