zippers are such a cool invention
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
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