she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
