ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
