I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
