The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
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