As heartfelt as your proposal was- I will NOT marry for money- especially to someone who still owes me $700. You r officially pathetic!!
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
