legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
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