I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
