just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
When did angry sex become our thing?
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Randomize
