I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
zippers are such a cool invention
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Randomize
