after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
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