Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
