What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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