I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
Randomize
