someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Randomize
