it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
Randomize
