hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
You guys coming?
We are smoking out the bouncer? But after that sure
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Randomize
